Slightly Highbrow Never High Maintenence

So the Powerball FAQ is the snarkiest FAQ ever written:

Whilst chatting amongst ourselves water cooler style in the T.O. bullpen this morning, discussing the big PB win that took place locally last night, and who might have relatives who may be the winner.  The conversation turned to odds and specific probabilities and so I looked it up and in doing so, came across the best FAQ I think I’ve ever read or at least on that merits top 3. Here’s some choice sections:

POWERBALL BECOMES A PREMIUM JACKPOT GAME 
Better Overall Odds 
…the lowest cash prize is now $4 (up 33% and the price of two tickets; we hope you decide to do that). 
Game Variety
Powerball is now the premium lotto game with higher jackpots (most of the time; Mega Millions is still a big jackpot game); a $1 million second prize (second place is no longer the “first loser”); and better overall odds. Those players who focus on spending $1 for their dream still have Mega Millions. Those players who are willing to lay out an extra 20 NICKELS for their big dream, a chance at $1 million (virtually a second big game on its own) and betters odds of doubling their spend can choose Powerball. 

MY EMAILS HAVE STOPPED; YOU NEVER RESPOND TO ME; STOP SENDING ME SPAM!!!

We try to respond to every letter. If you did not get a response, it is because your Internet provider has blocked us. Our beautiful prose sent to you bounces back to us - very frustrating for us and we are helpless to respond to your complaints about us not responding.

We do not send out spam. You must sign up to receive our emails. We only send out an email with the numbers and jackpot amount after every Wednesday and Saturday draw. Every email contains a link that allows you to drop off the list. There are pond scum out there who “spoof” our email address and send out spam. We cannot stop them. These ne’er-do-wells could just as easily send out spam using your email address. The only thing that we send out are the winning numbers and jackpot amounts after every Wednesday and Saturday draw. Anything else is not from us.

DO I HAVE TO MATCH THE NUMBERS IN THE EXACT ORDER DRAWN?

…You cannot criss-cross lines to match numbers. You cannot use numbers on other tickets or the tickets of a friend or even a close relative.

MY NUMBERS ARE: XX-XX-XX-XX-XX-XX; DID I WIN?

I can’t check numbers for a million folks a week. You can check your numbers on the web site. Teach a man to fish. Please go to: http://www.powerball.com/powerball/pb_numbers.asp

HOW DO I CLAIM MY PRIZE? CAN I CLAIM OUT OF STATE?
…be advised that some retailers will not carry the cash needed to pay higher prizes. Sometimes, a convenience store that has safety concerns may not carry the cash. In a few places, there are “super retailers” that can pay up to $25,000. Look for a clerk wearing a cape and tights. 
…You do NOT have to cash the ticket at the same store, but you do have to cash the ticket in the same state. You can also claim any prize - and prizes over $600 - at the state lottery headquarters. You can even claim winning tickets by mail. Click on a state at the map link below to find the address and possibly a claim form:

CAN I BUY POWERBALL TICKETS THROUGH THE INTERNET?
The laws of your state prohibit the purchase of another state’s lottery ticket across state lines. Federal laws also make out-of-state lottery plays across a state line illegal. You can legally travel to another state, buy a ticket, and bring it back to your home state. If it ever does become legal, we will sell tickets here. No.

CAN I PLAY POWERBALL FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE OR THE U.S.?
No. Repeat as necessary. If that changes, we will say “yes” here and tell you how.

CAN A NON-RESIDENT WIN POWERBALL?
…some states do have rules that seem to imply that a winner must produce evidence of citizenship or a federal SSN, but there are other ways to hold back taxes for a winner who does not have a U.S. SSN. Occasionally, some state lawmaker talks about limiting wins to U.S. citizens, but no laws have passed so far.

IS THERE A SECRET TO IMPROVE YOUR CHANCE OF WINNING POWERBALL?

Yes. There is a way to improve your chance of winning the dual-drum games (Powerball, Mega-Millions, Hot Lotto, and Wild Card). But you have to promise to keep the secret – called THE BIG SECRET TO WINNING POWERBALL — between you and me.

First, we need to cover some things that don’t work. Swinging a live chicken above your head while wishing for the future numbers does NOT work. There is no improvement to be had by swinging a dead chicken. Although I have not tested it, swinging a bucket of extra crispy is not likely to work either. We have had winners who played their fortune cookie numbers – on two occasions – but such things are just bound to happen sometimes. It is also no good to follow the alignment of the planets or the arrangement of tea leaves or any other such thing. Any of these ideas will win sometimes, but that is just chance working its magic and there is no guarantee.

DO POWERBALL TICKETS EXPIRE?

Yes. The Universe is decaying and nothing lasts forever. Ticket expiration periods vary from state to state - from 90 days to one year.
…In rare cases, your elected officials will change the expiration period (sometimes they run out of other stuff to vote on).

WHAT TIME AND WHERE IS THE DRAWING?
The balls sets are also sealed by the auditors and all events are audio and video recorded when the vault is opened. The equipment is tested regularly (measurements, X-ray and statistical tests for non-random behavior). The whole process takes about two hours, so pack a snack.

CAN I REMAIN ANONYMOUS WHEN I HIT THE JACKPOT?
Photos and press conferences are up to you for most, but not all states. Check with your state lottery to see if photos or more are required. Most of the time, it is advisable to get it over with the press so that you don’t have one or more reporters following you around to get that “exclusive” interview

WHAT HAPPENS IF AN ANNUITY PRIZE WINNER DIES?
We do not charge a fee of any kind. I think that this misunderstanding may come from the response that the prize “goes to the Estate” and some people hear “goes to the State.”

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET MY MONEY?
Some lotteries must work through the state system and that can delay the payment. That said, Powerball jackpot winners genneraly don’t have trouble getting a little credit if you wish to buy something before the money arrives. Just mention my name - and that you are the Powerball winner.

I GOT AN EMAIL SAYING THAT I WON THE LOTTERY; IS IT LEGITIMATE?
NO. It is a common scam. We get over 100 emails each week asking this question. We get over 100 telephone calls each week asking this question. this has gone on for the last several years. We even get emails sent here telling us that we’ve won the Powerball. You never have to send money to collect a legitimate lottery prize. You should never reply to these emails. You should never send money to these people. You should never give your bank account number or your mother’s maiden name to anyone. You should never run with scissors. You may even be sent a check to cover the costs and then be asked to wire back some money. But the check will bounce (sometimes not for months and then you are charged with writing bad checks). — Just go to news.google.com and search on “lottery scam” for the current day’s scam victims.

YOUR ODDS / PROBABILITIES ARE WRONG.
Are not…Some persons who enjoy statistics (they do really exist) will come up with odds of 1 in 17 billion for the jackpot prize.

HOW COME THE ONLY JACKPOT WINNERS ARE FROM THE [EAST - WEST - NORTH - SOUTH - CITIES - RURAL AREAS]?
HOW COME ONLY [WHITE, BLACK, TALL, SKINNY, YOUNG, OLD] PEOPLE WIN?
There really is no white/black/old/young/rich/poor, etc.] button on the machine. Try this experiment. Flip a coin four times. You might get 75% heads - or even 100%. You would not expect to get excited about that. With only ten flips, it can happen. But then flip it 1,000 times (no cheating). You will come much closer to the statistical expectation of 50% heads. If you hit 75% heads after 1,000 flips, then something is wrong. It really does NOT make any difference where you buy your ticket. It is you a against the draw machine.

WHICH HAS THE BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING: COMPUTER PICKS OR PLAYER PICKS?
About 70% to 80% of purchases are computer picks. About 70% to 80% of winners are computer picks. Perhaps just one of those weird coincidences?

CASH VS. ANNUITY - MY FINANCIAL EXPERT SAYS HE CAN EARN MORE THAN THE ANNUITY WITH THIS CASH.
Maybe. We have seen that even financial experts forget about taxes….

I HAVE A GAME IDEA; YOU SHOULD GIVE 100 PEOPLE $1 MILLION EACH.
(1) If you are sending in a game idea with no demand for payment: Thank you for your idea and comments, we will certainly pass it on to the design team; will run it by our very expensive patent law firm for a review of other possible patent infringement ideas (so we don’t get sued); and then will develop and run qualitative and quantitative research to test the concept with a mix of players.
(2) If you are sending in a game idea and demand payment: Please understand that we cannot accept game ideas. If you have faith in your idea you may consider seeking a patent on it (at least $10,000 and two years) or you can submit the idea to a state lottery’s advertising agency. You can contact your local state lottery to find a contact for their advertising agency. The agency understands the process of reviewing your game design idea and can also assist you in protecting your idea.
(3) If you believe that we should pay out $1 million prizes to lots of persons: After players told us that in focus groups, we actually started that game. No one played. 

YOUR QUESTION NOT HERE?
If your question is a bit more unusual (oh, let’s say, “more imaginative”), it may be answered at Real-Letters.

AND FINALLY … The state lotteries have professional staffs who respond to questions. They know the state lottery operation the best and if they do not know the details of how a multi-state game works, they can get the answer from us and they will write back with a very nice response. If you like to be rude and yell at people who won’t be rude back, then the state lottery is where you should write—they are professionals. We have a very small staff here with no one who has the job of responding to letters. Here, your letter will likely be answered by the top guy, who works 24/7. He will give you a complete and straight answer but he can sometimes come off as a little abrupt in email, especially when he has too little time to spend on each letter. He also thinks that he is a comedian. We apologize in advance for him. 

The ‘family’ dynamic of a street gang would be less mentally detrimental than this shit. Is it any wonder circle and circus have the

Do Not Be Quick To…

Mistake silence for arrogance or ignorance, for many times it is neither.

Good Idea#465: Carriage House Coffee and Idea Exchange

So, there’s this insanely old building in Downtown Tampa. I pass it every moringing walking up from the city bus transint center.  It’s intriguing because of the certainly ancient ad in the corner of the north wall of the building. I’m a big fan of the Ephemeral New York blog and any thing about local history, and this little building seemed to encapsulate shards of both. 

Another passion of mine is Coffee…which I’m typically drinking while walking past said building.  Obviously it wasn’t long before inspiration struck. Unfortunately that’s quite all it is.  I adore coffee shoppes. I say coffee shoppes because it has more nuance than coffee shops…theres something elegant in the ways of the old Parisian shoppes that were places where ideas not just coffee was exchanged. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve toyed with the coffee shop idea. Nor is it the first time I’ve quickly realized I know nothing about raising investment capital, commercial real estate acquisitions on historical buildings, bringing said building up to code, writing business plans, or in fact running a cafe. 

Alas, it will most likely only ever be a dream left to rest here. A dream defered.

I never want to hear about fucking privilege again…

he attempt to find scholarships that might take a bite of some sort of the 60k price tag I’m staring down the barrel of, i visited a rather enlightening site suggested on my financial aid paperwork: http://www.careerinfonet.org/scholarshipsearch  The department of labor’s comprehensive scholarship database it informed me of over 7000 scholarships, prizes, grants,  and aid sources. The grand total of which I qualify  = 0  Every time I come across one that sounds good, they slip in at the last moment that you have to be blind, or a lesbian, or be planning a career in highway construction, or be a graduate or resident of Lee County, or planning to attend a Florida state college (so you never have a chance of making it out of this god forsaken state.) or be a black jazz musician who’s blind with deaf parents who never got a bachelors degree and were migrant workers.

You want to see the great equalizer of our time? Try looking for money for school if you’re a non-traditional 27 year old broke ass white girl who did horribly in high school and amazingly in community college, with broke ass unconnected parents, who have put nothing back for you, and you want to study the arts of any kind, at the boss ass ivy league university you managed by god’s grace to get in to.

There  is no magic fund that opens up if your white and interested. If you’re poor, you’re fucked. Even if you work hard.